By Damian Papworth
The day I found out we were expecting our first child was one of the most special memories I have. It was an evening of blissful togetherness, it generated feelings of joint destiny, wonder and just a little bit of fear. One little test had changed our lives forever, here is how it happened.
We live on Australia's Gold Coast. Moving here was a decision we made together, moving away from our families early 2007 in favour for a beach lifestyle. As such, we often have our families visit us for weekends or weeks at a time, staying in our spare room. It really is one of the joys of living at a tourist destination.
At the start of 2008, we had my parents staying with us for a week. It was during this week we started to think we may have a little, unplanned bundle of joy on the way. For better or worse, we waited till mum and dad had left before we got that test.
So Mum and Dad left, we bought a pregnancy test, my wife went into the bathroom. She followed all the instructions and then, amusingly, fled the scene. All courage had departed, she couldn't look at the results. I found her in the lounge with her head buried under a pillow.
So I wandered into the bathroom to discover the telltale additional lines, our first baby was on the way. I headed back into the living room with a huge grin on my face and was met by a barrage of demands. Demands that I tell her immediately and to stop holding out on her. So I sat down beside her and softly said "sweetheart, we are going to have a baby".
At this moment she point blank accused me of lying, telling me she didn't believe a word I said and ran into the bathroom to see for herself. It was pretty funny! This was a great introduction to our first pregnancy as those initial magical moments can only be described by the word "rollercoaster". Which is exactly what the next 8 months or so turned out to be.
That night was one of the most memorable, joyous nights I can remember. It can only be described with words like love, intimacy, quiet, still, beautiful, together. It was one of those evening which binds two people in a relationship. It was the sharing of a secret that can't really be understood properly for its wonder, a secret that soon would be shared with the world, just not quite yet.
Pregnancy, particularly your first, is packed with precious moments like this. These moments can not only be precious though, but massively positive for your relationship with your partner. They have the power to bring you closer together, to bind you in joint purpose. Unfortunately though, I found as the expectant father, sometimes you need to fight to protect those moments for yourself and your partner. There are so many people out there who lose sight of family boundaries during a pregnancy and try to interfere, to the extent that they will marginalise you as far as they can out of the process.
For example, one of my partner's friends went as far as to speak to my her sister, independently of us, telling her we need her in the delivery room. My mind boggled at the inappropriateness of this. The birth of our baby is such an intimate experience, no-one but my wife and I should be making decisions about who needed to be in the delivery room. The simple fact was, we wanted no-one there, the thought of having someone else in the delivery room with us was intrusive to the extreme.
Second guessing the advice we received from our doctors was another big issue. When these women had their babies, they did it differently. So the information our doctors were giving us must have been incorrect, these well meaning women knew "much better".
This is part of the reason why, as mentioned above, expecting your firstborn can be a bit of a rollercoaster. The highs you experience really are tremendous, all those first time experiences that are happening because you and your partner are bringing a new life into the world.
But they often are tempered by the "well meaning woman", who seems to want to compete with you for ownership of these moments. This for me was especially hard to fathom given she is was one of the people we wanted to share with and talk to about it all. (well, at least until she pushed once too often)
In talking to many other new fathers in my circle of friends, it seems as men, this is an issues we all have to face. The "well meaning woman" pops up everywhere, typically is the wife's best friend, or mother, sometimes it can be your own mother. Its always someone who has already had children though, and someone who "knows better".
I found the well meaning woman really impacted us in 2 areas. I learned pretty quick that it was important for me as the father to be, to protect our family from her influences in two areas particularly. If you are facing similar difficulties today, you may want to pay particular attention to these things.
Firstly, you need to protect your right to trust the medical information your health professionals are giving you. You need to make people aware that within your family, opinions on medical matters are off limits to them.
Secondly you need to protect the trust you have in your's and your wife's instincts. These instincts are probably the most powerful tool you have as a couple during pregnancy. Your pregnancy, birth experience and child will not be the same as any other which has ever come before. Its unique to your situation and only your instincts are aligned with your experience. The well meaning woman's instincts were very valid for her pregnancy, but that was a completely different experience to yours. So trust yourself and protect your partners trust in herself. Its important.
As you approach the birth of your first you are likely to bump into the well meaning woman. If you do, this may be small comfort, but you are not the first and will not be the last. Remember to trust your instincts all the time, they will most likely be right. And if it gets beyond the joke, find another father to discuss the issue with. I'm sure you'll quickly find many who have faced similar challenges without needing to look too far, and get some quality advice on how to deal with it.
About the Author:
Damian Papworth as a
new dad, details some of the issues he had to cope with a short time ago, as an
expectant father for the first time. Don't reprint this exact article. Instead, reprint a free
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